I am feeling it again. It is strange to have those thoughts of worthlessness back and back and back. It is sadness with no apparent reason. Maybe right now i am not able to recall one happy moment in my life. Maybe it is the sadness around me that engulfs me. Maybe I have realised the futility of trying, the mirages of dreams, the helplessness of being one good person on this planet earth revolving and rotating around the sun with no apparent reason. Maybe there is nothing called a 'reason', this word itself has been invented to mock my existence, my reason d'etre. Again i am filled with I-am-not-God feeling.
I need something that i have not and that has not been in my past. Something that i have not ever thought of. I know there are great sayings and brilliant examples to follow. And there are some great beliefs to believe. And there are some great religions to adhere to. The Gods i must believe.
Narcissism, Indifference, Kindness, Love, Books, Thoughts, BDSM, Power, Existentialism, Destiny. Everything is for sombody else. I need something else.
But this knowledge and hopes of relief had been shaken by desperateness. Being helpless shatters all faiths. " Every morning can be a new life" is good to hear, but i cannot follow it because it is not true. I have a past which manifests itself again and again. I have a broken heart which ought not to be because the love it had was never acknowleged, simply heard and rejected. As if a proposal of a business alliance. As worthless as it can be.
Sorry my dear heart, i am so weak to accept your life in me. I am sorry but it was not my cowardice, it were your belief and hopes of happiness that do you pain.
"If you are loved by one person you are loved by many. But if you are alone you get more alone"
Witnessing the journey from lonely to lonelier to loneliest...
KarenF
Sadness always has a reason, and if the reason isn't external then it can only be internal - our thoughts. Our thoughts create our emotions, and vice-versa. But we can only change our moods by changing our thoughts.
It sounds to me like you are looking for the answers to your sadness externally, when really the only way to be truly happy is to be dependent on ourselves alone. To be able to fulfill ones self. That's not to say that we should be hermits, but only a whole person is attractive to another. Who wants half a person? Only another half a person, and that way lies dependency rather than love.
"They call us lonely when we're really just alone".
The past - it is important not to be a slave to it, because it isn't ever going to go away. We cannot change what has happened to us. We can only change our reaction to what has happened to us.
I don't have an answer but I know what it is like to be inside the abyss, and I know that we all have to find our own way out. So I'm just saying to you the things I wish someone had said to me at that time. However, these may not be the things that are right for you to hear, and if so, please disregard them.